Paul Scheer.com

Man, This is a Cool Poster

Fri, 16 May 2008 18:43:38 -0700

Man, This is a Cool Poster

"If I punched every bitch who called me fat, it would be dead bitches all up and down the highway."

Fri, 16 May 2008 13:52:34 -0700

““If I punched every bitch who called me fat, it would be dead bitches all up and down the highway.””

- …Star Jones? (via purns) (via erockappel)

What We Learned From The Almost Season Finale of LOST

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:08:00 -0700

What we learned…
1) Why Hurley winds up back in the mental hospital - the numbers again.
2) The baby story - Kate had her.
3) That Claire and Jin we not the other two temporary survivors according to the O6 stories.
4) That the Orchid secondary protocal was probably developed about 15 years ago (1988) - about 3 years before the purge (1992). The box with the crackers and mirror was hidden 15 years ago.
5) The entrance to the Orchid (a greenhouse), was damaged, probably during the Incident in 1985.
6) Keamy rigged the frieghter with explosives triggered to the dead mans switch on his arm.
7) We know what happened to Michael after he left the Island and before he got to NY. Abet quickly.
8) A nod to the producers - Sawyer calling the Barracks New Otherton.
9) That the Secondary protocol is a Dharma plan, and not something developed recently by Widmore.
10) Hurley doesn’t want any kind of money. Not his, not Oceanic’s. The money is the excuse Abaddon uses to explain his visit to Hurley at the Santa Rosa Mental Institute.
11) Claires mother survived the car accident.
12) Ben has a plan.

What our characters learned…
1) Jack finds out who Aaron and Claire are.
2) Some learned that Michael is still alive.

What we want to know…
1) Has Sun learned something about her Dad’s comapany’s envolvement with Hanso/Widmore/Dharma?
2) Did Ben alert the Others, who were at the Temple, that something was up when he used the mirror to communicate something to someone?

Short theories
1) Jin and a number of other characters die when Kearmy’s dead mans switch goes off and blows up the frieghter.
2) Penny arrives in her OWN ship and saves Desmond.
3) Kate’s “pregnancy” will be the big flaw in the O6’s cover story.

From Doc Artz Lost Blog

Here’s a one minute French Lego tribute/renactment to...

Thu, 15 May 2008 18:03:00 -0700

Here’s a one minute French Lego tribute/renactment to Beverly Hills Cop, that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Beverly Hills Cop.

The big tip off is Axel Foley is played by a white lego man, with blonde hair who apparently is very good at karate!? Also they spell Eddie like this “Eddy” and use a Warner Brothers logo instead of the Paramount one (Nitpicky I know but you figure if you do a stop motion animation -a very time consuming process- you might double check your source material)

If I had a nickel for every time a person said to...

Thu, 15 May 2008 12:28:00 -0700

If I had a nickel for every time a person said to me…”Paul, please, please tell me what are your thoughts on the fashion stylings from the new “Sex and the City” movie?” Hell I’d have 5 cents.

But it might be something like this….

”…that outfit could never come off in the throes of passion. That’s the kind of dress that has to be carefully unhooked by a team of trained professionals and placed in some fireproof panic room….On the other hand, the dress definitely got me excited about seeing the new movie: I had no idea it takes place in the future.”

For more thoughts on Carrie Bradshaw’s Fab New Dress check out a segment that the Daily News calls “Style Pro Vs Average Joe” - I’m the average joe!

bullshit: Extending album art

Thu, 15 May 2008 03:34:36 -0700

bullshit:

Extending album art

Sometimes Amazon Gets it WRONG! Sure I ordered the Buffy the...

Wed, 14 May 2008 12:03:00 -0700

Sometimes Amazon Gets it WRONG!

Sure I ordered the Buffy the Vampire Slyer Spinoff “Angel” but that doesn’t mean that I like all DVDs with the word ANGEL in the titles. Although “Touched By an Angel” is pretty good.

Who knows though, this reccomendation does look pretty sexy, WTF? I’m in.

The Plot For Point Break 2: Indio (This is Real)

Tue, 13 May 2008 20:55:00 -0700

When Billy Dalton, military special ops and star surfer, is disqualified from the pro-surfing tour, he takes off for the coast of Bali looking for the perfect wave. While there he’s recruited by a private security force who are trying to find a gang known as The Bush Administration, surfing outlaws and modern day pirates who work like “The Ex-Presidents,” a bank robbing crew from Malibu twenty years ago.

-Sounds Awesome.Get Ready to Shoot your Gun in the air and SCREAM!

I’m starting a line of greeting cards for cattle. This...

Tue, 13 May 2008 12:59:57 -0700

I’m starting a line of greeting cards for cattle. This one is a condolence card. The inside reads…

“I’m deeply sorry your friend was shot in the head with a metal poker. On the plus side I hear he’s going to shipped to an Arby’s in San Diego. Yummy!”

(The fact that I eat meat is making it really tough to write these cards and sound like I mean it.)

"Shakedown, breakdown, takedown Everybody wants into the crowded line Breakdown, takedown, your..."

Mon, 12 May 2008 13:57:36 -0700

“Shakedown, breakdown, takedown
Everybody wants into the crowded line
Breakdown, takedown, your busted
Shakedown, breakdown, honey
Just about the time you’re thinkin it’s alright
Breakdown, takedown, your busted”

- BOB SEGER - “SHAKEDOWN”

My Grandma Reviews My Performance on 30 Rock

Fri, 09 May 2008 10:00:20 -0700

Grandma: I saw "The Rock."
Me: Oh Cool. Did you like it?
Grandma: I thought it was very good. You used your face very well.
Me: Thanks?!
Grandma: Oh yes, actors always have to always use their faces. Remember that Paul, that's where people look when they watch TV, at the faces.
Me: Right.
Grandma: I liked this part a lot, it was VERY dramatic.
Me: It's supposed to be funny.
Grandma: Yes, it was, but it had a lot of drama too. The other show you do is just you acting like a goofball.
Me: Well, that show isn't supposed to be dramatic.
Grandma: Mm, I guess. Let me ask you a question, did you do your own running for this part?
Me: That wasn't me, that was the other guy, in the page uniform, Jack (McBrayer)
Grandma: No, that was you running at the end.
Me: Nope. remember I got shot in the leg.
Grandma: Right. Well that guy who was running was very good too. Is Alec Baldwin tall?

Buy the Sleepless in Seattle Houseboat! If you have an extra...

Thu, 08 May 2008 15:20:00 -0700

Buy the Sleepless in Seattle Houseboat!

If you have an extra 2.5 Mill burning a hole in your pocket, then this is the deal for you.

If you are the lucky purchaser of this HOUSEBOAT. Let me tell you how every interaction at your new house boat would go

GUEST: Sorry I was late, I had a hard time finding your place. I didn’t realize when you said you lived on the water, that you actually meant ON THE WATER.

YOU: Haha, yeah, that happens. Here’s a fun fact, did you know this is actually the same houseboat they used in Sleepless in Seattle?

GUEST: (Awkward Pause-Forced Smile and Head Nod)

YOU: Pretty Neat, right? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan…Together again.

GUEST: (Awkward Pause)

YOU: Only 2.5 Million Bucks.

GUEST: (Beat) Right, this was a mistake. I’m going to go now. You seem like a crazy person.

YOU:Haha, you wouldn’t be the first person to say that.

Guest Runs away.

You look in a mirror and a single tear falls down your face.

THE END!

Hey Everybody! I’m going to be on “30 Rock”...

Wed, 07 May 2008 16:27:00 -0700

Hey Everybody! I’m going to be on “30 Rock” this Thursday. They brought back Donny the Head Page for the Season Finale which airs Thursday at 9:30/8:30c PM on NBC. I hope you check it out.

Here’s a Spoiler Free Preview of the Episode (It’s Kinda like Mad Libs You can make up what you think happens and match it with your friends)

JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) HEADS TO ____________ WHILE LIZ (TINA FEY) HAS A ______, AND KENNETH (JACK MCBRAYER) APPLIES TO BE A ____ FOR THE ____ _____. TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) IS IN THE FINAL STAGES OF HIS _____. MATTHEW _____, EDIE _____ AND ____ SCHEER GUEST STAR.

IT’S FINALLY HERE…The TEASER Trailer for Beverly...

Tue, 06 May 2008 13:06:36 -0700

IT’S FINALLY HERE…The TEASER Trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Wow, if you didn’t want to see this movie before, let me just say, I think this trailer will change your mind. The dogs rap in this trailer. Yeah! They rap and sing and DANCE!

One of my favorite lines is…”We’re the real HOT DOGS” I love it!

Oh, don’t let the opening of the trailer fool you, you might think, this is going to be a scary or dark adventure movie, nope it’s not, it’s about cute doggies.

Finally A Mother’s Day Card For Lost Fans. (Designed by...

Tue, 06 May 2008 12:12:00 -0700

Finally A Mother’s Day Card For Lost Fans.

(Designed by Daniel)

R. Kelly Wants to See Your Braids! (Seriously)

Mon, 05 May 2008 11:37:00 -0700

R. Kelly Wants to See Your Braids! (Seriously):

Are your braids tight? Kell’s wants you to upload your best pics now.

Rate Each Photo

★ Lookin’ like SPAGHETTI! ★ Super tight ★ Cornrows ★ Frizzy ★ Straight back wack

Even though IRONMAN is a certified “hit” by making...

Mon, 05 May 2008 09:50:51 -0700

Even though IRONMAN is a certified “hit” by making 100.8 Million Dollars over the weekend, I think we can all agree that Robert Downey Jr., is no Vinnie Chase and this movie doesn’t have a thing on AQUAMAN

via bullshit:

Sun, 04 May 2008 02:45:28 -0700

via bullshit:

Why Does John Cusack hate Comedians? This makes me want to hold...

Sat, 03 May 2008 04:31:00 -0700

Why Does John Cusack hate Comedians?

This makes me want to hold a virtual boombox in front of his MySpace page and try to get him to accept my Friend Request.

I know You Hear Me!

"FUCK ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY I’M SICK OF Y’ALL SHIT!!!"

Fri, 02 May 2008 20:03:35 -0700

““FUCK ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY I’M SICK OF Y’ALL SHIT!!!””

- kanYe West : Blog reacts to his B+ Tour Review