THE ULTIMATE HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY TOUR, BY PAUL SCHEER AND ROB HUEBEL [Thrillist]
Comedians Paul Scheer (The League, Fresh Off the Boat, and countless other things) and Rob Huebel (Childrens Hospital, Transparent, and countless other things) have been performing their experimental show "Crash Test" -- a mix of stand-up, improv, screenings, and real-world antics -- in New York and LA for more than a decade. Tonight at 11pm ET,Comedy Central will air their most ambitious stunt yet: sequestering their audience on an eight-hour bus tour of Los Angeles punctuated by on-the-street performances by Aziz Ansari, Jack McBrayer, Rob Corddry, Aubrey Plaza, and Earl Sweatshirt. In honor of this spectacle-on-wheels, we phoned up the comic tour guides and asked them to take us on a celebrity-sighting spin around Hollywood.
Thanks for agreeing to talk with us about this important subject
Paul Scheer: It took a lot of convincing, a lot of arm-twisting. But we made it here.
Rob Huebel: I wasn’t going to do it but Paul said he was going to kill himself if we didn't do it.
PS: I'm glad that we did it, because now I get to live an extra day.
So, you're taking us on a "star homes" tour of Los Angeles. Where are we going?
PS: My first stop would be, of course, to Steve Harvey's house. Because I want to see all the suits in his closet. I need to get in there and check them out. I feel like Steve Harvey is to suits what Imelda Marcos was to shoes.
RH: Yeah, I don’t think that I would do any of the stops that I'm imagining those tours do. I think they go to old-timey Hollywood stars' homes. No one gives a shit about old-timey Hollywood. We would go see the young, cool Hollywood people, like Steve Harvey. He'd be at the top of the list. I would say Steven Seagal, he would be up there.
PS: I would go to Michael Bay's house because you know something is going on there. I feel like Michael Bay's house is like a literal Transformer. His house may be in the shape of a woman in a bikini and it's probably the only levitating house in LA.
RH: By the way, this is not organized geographically. So readers, you should realize that we didn't organize this for your convenience. You're going to be going all over different parts of LA and you're going to be in terrible traffic.
PS: We only do the star tours during rush hour. We do them from 4 to 7. All off the 405, all up on the PCH.
Can we drive by O.J.'s house?
RH: I would like to go by O.J.'s house. But I think they tore it down, right?
PS: They did. They tore it down. My mom's number-one stop when she came out to LA was O.J. Simpson's house. And we went there and realized they had torn it down! My mom was so disappointed. I try to make her happy by showing her a murderer's house, and if I can't give her that, I mean, come on.
Have you guys done the drive from Bundy to Rockingham?
PS: Rob and I actually do it every weekend and time each other. What was our last time on that, Rob?
RH: Well, it was rush hour again, so it took us 45 minutes.
PS: Yeah, that was a tough one. We're lucky enough to actually get Kato Kaelin to drive us, because he's not doing much so we can just get him to jump in. I would also like to tour the houses of the people who dress in costume outside Mann's Chinese Theatre. That is home to some of the worst-dressed characters from TV and film ever assembled. It's like you got the cheapest version of the movie costume at the costume store and then went out there and slept in it for a week. It's like The Revenant meets a Superman costume. And I would love to see the guy who is getting into his Darth Vader costume with his gut hanging out -- I've never seen a fat Darth Vader -- and I want to follow him and see where they're going, where they're living. I have a feeling most of them live in those RVs under bridges that never move.
So, a star tour for the people who dress up as stars?
RH: Yes. I would also like to go to any cartoon character's house. I would like to see where the character Wreck-It Ralph lived.
PS: I don't know if you're joking about that, Rob, because obviously Wreck-It Ralph is an animated character.
RH: Whoa, whoa, whoa -- you're saying Wreck-It Ralph does not live in the same world that we live in?
PS: No, he lives in the video game world, Rob. You'd have to go inside a video game, don't be ridiculous.
RH: Sorry. I'm driving now and I wish that I weren't -- I think I've got to pull over because this is all hitting me. I gotta roll down my window and just let off some steam. [Screams incoherently] Ahhhh! Arrrrrghhhhh! Oh nnnnooooo!
It sounds like Rob took it pretty hard
PS: Rob's favorite movie is Wreck-It Ralph. It's one of my favorite documentaries too. I like Wreck-It Ralph, I like Making a Murderer, I like Finding Nemo, I like The Jinx, and I likeCars. Those are probably my favorite docs.
RH: Speaking of those, it would be a slight detour from LA but I would like to go to Steven Avery's house from Making a Murderer. See if we can solve what happened to Teresa.
Do you think he did it?
RH: I think he did not do it. But I think he's probably a scummy dude. But I don't think he did it.
PS: Can I give you who I think did it for real? Wreck-It Ralph. That's why they can't find any evidence at that house, because it's all in the video game world. None of those cops checked into the inter-dimensional world of Wreck-It Ralph. They've not gone inter-dimensional at all. Most police don't go inter-dimensional, ever. That's the problem with our justice system.
RH: So far most of the stops on our tour have been murder stops. O.J.'s house, Steven Avery's house. The only real person whose house we want to see is Steve Harvey.
PS: And Michael Bay. But people have probably been murdered there, too.
RH: You don't get to that level of success in Hollywood without a few skeletons in your closet.
Where would you guys take someone in LA to see a real celebrity in the wild?
PS: Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.
RH: Yeah, I feel like Starbucks or Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.
PS: I tell you, you know where you should go if you want to see celebrities in LA? Beverly Hills. Because they're all getting some sort of surgery or going to therapy. Every time I'm in Beverly Hills, there are packs of paparazzi. I don't know who they're following but people are getting lifted, tucked, shot, or something. Something is happening in Beverly Hills. If you just walk around there you will see some version of someone.
RH: I feel like I see a lot of celebrities in hotel lobbies. Like, they kind of want to be spotted but they also just kind of want to use the public toilet. They're hanging out in the lobby because they know you can go in there and poop for free. So I feel like a lot of celebrities, if there's a poop emergency, they pull over and go to a nice hotel lobby. And that's where I see a lot of celebrities.
So, to clarify, your star tour is mainly Starbucks, hotel lobby bathrooms, and Steve Harvey's house
PS: All the Steves.
RH: Steven Seagal.
PS: Steven Tyler.
RH: Yeah, if we can just hit a lot of the Steves.
PS: It will be the only Steve Hollywood tour, and it really does encompass a lot of different people.
RH: That's how they should be organized. They should be categorized by name. Like, "You want to see all the Steves!? Get on this bus!"