PAUL SCHEER

I love “Beverly Hills Cop.” When I was a kid my dad made me a special dubbed VHS tape of it, that editted out the 1st part of the movie that takes placein Detroit, because I heard from a friend, that someone got shot in the head and the thought of that really scared me. He also editted out the strip club scene (because my parents had a strict no boobies clause). However in retrospect, I guess unbashed vulgarity was totally cool with them. Which meant I was the 1st kid on the playground to drop the F-bomb on a regular basis.

Then a few years later, I was on a field trip to Washington D.C. with my 5th grade class and Beverly Hills Cop 2 was on Pay-Per-View in the Hotel. This was awesome! Fuck the Washington Monument I wanted to get back and rent it BHC2. “The Heat Was Back On!” I decided to host a premiere party in my hotel room, I ordered pizza and charged admission (to defer costs). Most of my class came and we watched half of the movie until my teachers figured out what was going on. They stormed in, reprimanded us, and cut off the movie right before the strip club scene, foiled again! But Bridgette Neilsen was super hot (I was young) and the sequel as even better then the 1st one! How was that possible? It was also film that had me telling people “Don’t think (insert name), it makes my dick itch.” I didn’t really understand that phrase at the time, but it sound cool, when Inspector Todd said it to Axel.

When Beverly Hills Cop 3 came out, I snuck into a movie theater by myself to watch it (I wasn’t old enough to see R’s yet) and I’ll forever remember that film as the moment I realized sequels could suck every glimmer of hope, excitement, and happinessness from your soul in a mere 107 minutes. This movie was so bad even Harold Faltmeyer, the composer of the “Axel F Theme”, didn’t come back. When the composer passes on a project. There is a problem. Another huge problem, They either killed off and/or just didn’t bring back and characters that that you liked from the 1st two films. I guess John Landis thought people liked Beverly Hills Cop for the riveting detective story. Not to mention the film had scenes where Eddie Murphy dressed in a elephant costume and brandished an UZI and another where he bumped into George Lucas and his family on a Ferris Wheel.

Anyway, I’ve moved on. I found other movies. BHC wasn’t going to pull back in again… Until last night when I saw this… BEVERLY HILLS COP IV - COMING IN 2010 (Directed by Brett Ratner)

UGH!!! Why do I think this could possible be good? It can’t be, right? I feel almost insane for even throwing it out there. I’m like an abused sequel wife, I keep going back to theaters time and time again to get mercilessly kicked in the cinematic balls for having faith that a sequel can actually be good as it’s predecessors. I’ve now even lowered my expectations. I don’t even want/expect sequels to be really good, I just want it to be better than the worst one in the series (Thank you “Live Free or Die Hard”- you held up your end of the bargain on that one)

My advice to Brett Ratner. Erase Beverly Hills Cop 3 from existence. Don’t get me wrong, I love Hector Elizondo as much as the next guy, but let’s not bring back that character. Only Taggart can play Taggart.

Don’t make this film PG-13.

Don’t have a scene where Axel Foley starts doing any sort of Martial Art and/or fights an enemy who is really good at Martial Arts.

No more Bronson Pinchot.

No young, hotshot, wisecracking sidekicks, who want to date Axel’s daughter.

No Kids.

Don’t use the Catchphrase: “This Time it’s Personal”

No Farting Sounds.

Don’t Make it in 3-D

Don’t Shoot Sofia Coppola in the Final Minutes of the Movie. It’s not earned.

No CGI animals looking suprised at the action sequence that has just happened.

Finally, Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley. That’s it. One role and one role only.

I’m sure I missed a few, so just watch Lethal Weapon 4 and do everything the opposite of that.

I feel like this was an insane person’s rant…I’m okay with that.