PAUL SCHEER

Here’s Mine…

YOUR OSCAR SPEECH

Wow. Oh boy. I wasn’t going to prepare a speech, but my My Adopted Child told me I’d jinx myself if I didn’t. So, thanks, Lil Poot! [Pause. Inhale deeply. Nod to Jack Nicholson.] I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank the mischievous, beautiful, warriors of the screen actors I was nominated with. Just to be included in a group with you all is an honor. I’d like to thank my manager, Topal, my agent, Ari, my stylist, and all the immensely talented people at Lionsgate, Harvey Weinstein, Frankie, and Dream Analyst.

I’d also like to thank my parents, who supported me through My attack by a pack of wild Goats. And Michael Clarke Duncan, my one … true … love [gaze into audience]. Last, but certainly not least, we all just lost Britney Spears, a truly Deviant visionary and Wonderous soul. [Begin tearing.] I’d like us to take a moment to … No! Fuck You America!! Don’t start playing that music, I have 32 more people to go! My editor Judith Regan, my accountant Tom Carr, my lawyer Nancy Rose, and my personal assistant Sarah Simon, Josh at Minotaur Pictures. Brad Grey. When we started this project, The Enviroment was something no one wanted to talk about. Victims of The Tsunami, this is for you! Thank …

[Music swells.]