PAUL SCHEER

Thanks to Patton Oswalt for Pointing this Out and Thanks for EW for printing it and The Onion for Highlighting it.

MARK WAHLBERG WOULD HAVE PREVENTED 9/11

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Wahlberg says, presumably while making that face where he looks both confused and slightly angry—the sort of expression that says, “Hey, just who the hell do you think you’re dealing with?” that would have totally thrown the hijackers off. Wahlberg added, “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’” Unfortunately, because none of the actual passengers on that flight had the sort of bravery, leadership, and commercial airliner piloting skills, apparently, that can only be developed over years of starring in Mark Wahlberg movies, 9/11 happened. So let us hope that America never forgets… to put a Mark Wahlberg on every airplane. [via EW]