killertv took the challenge and wrote some DIE HARD FAN FICTION. Check out “The Trial of Theo.”

FADE IN:

INT. COURT ROOM - LOS ANGELES SUPERIOR COURT - DAY

A packed courtroom hosts a media circus.  THEO sits at the defense table, unshackled.  JACK McCOY sits in the prosecutor’s chair.  Behind him, in the main seats, sit ARGYLE next to JOHN McCLANE next to HOLLY GENERO McCLANE.   

BAILIFF
All rise for the Honorable Judge Larry Paul Fidler!

All rise. JUDGE FIDLER enters.  He surveys the scene.

JUDGE
Your lawyer is late again, Mr. Theo.

THEO

Yeah, he’s late.

JOHN
(aside to Argyle)
Like Tony with the detonators. After I killed him.

Argyle snickers.  The Judge bangs his gavel.

JUDGE
Order!

The doors in the back burst open and JOHNNY COCHRANE charges to the front.

JOHNNY
Your honor, I apologize for my tardiness but if my client won’t win, I won’t begin.

JUDGE
Oh no, no rhyming, Counselor.  The only thing worse than your rap would be a Phil Spector murder trial.  Now let’s begin.

JOHNNY
Your honor, I must once again object to the prosecuting attorney. Mr. McCoy is from New York City.  He has no jurisdiction in this court room.

JUDGE
Since the arresting officer (indicates McClane) is from New York, the city thought it best a New York prosecuter assist him.

JOHNNY
But this is a major case!

JACK
Well, I do hope to make Executive Assistant D.A. one day…

JUDGE
Objection overruled.  Again.  Please proceed.

JOHNNY
Your honor, I would like to call my first and only witness, Mr. Argyle, to the stand. 

ARGYLE
Nah, it’s just “Argyle”.  Like “Sting”.  And “Cher”.  And a friend of mine from Chicago, “Obama”. 

Argyle approaches the witness stand.  The Bailiff walks to him.

BAILIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

ARGYLE

Fo sho.

Bailiff indicates for him to sit and he does.

JOHNNY

Now, mist-  Argyle.  Would you please recount the events of that day?

ARGYLE
I was hired to drive Mr. McClane from the airport to the Nakatomi Plaza.  After dropping Mr. McClane off, I waited in the garage while he sorted out his marital affairs.

GUY IN CROWD
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY TO PALM SPRINGS!

The Judge pounds his gavel. 

JUDGE
ORDER!

ARGYLE
That’s my boss.

JOHNNY
Did you tell your boss that you were on the way to Palm Springs?

JACK
Relevancy your honor.

JUDGE
Sustained.  Please stick to the events, Mr. Cochrane.

Johnny fumes.

JOHNNY
Please continue.  Argyle.

ARGYLE
So I was sitting in the limo, chilling in the back with Mama Bear, and I was down there for hours, cause I got locked in.  I had no idea John was going all “Roy Rogers” through a group of international terrorists. 

JOHN
Objection!  They were thiefs.  (beat)  Allegedly.

ARGYLE
Anyways, eventually I see someone get in an ambulance and I just knew he was a bad guy.  So I did what any good citizen would do: I ran into him with my limo.

JOHNNY
So you freely admit you drove your car into this man then fled the scene.  Your honor, the witness should be charged for a hit and run!

JACK
Objection!  The witness is not on trial today.

JUDGE
Sustained.

JOHNNY
(underbreath)
Damn it…

ARGYLE
I didn’t flee the scene, neither.  I hit that motherfucker.

JUDGE
Please watch your language, Mis- Argyle.

ARGYLE
Yes, your honor.  Excuse me.

JOHNNY
So you assaulted this man as well!

JACK
Objection!

JUDGE
Sustained!

JOHNNY
If I can’t start a fire, I must retire.  Defense rests.

JUDGE
Mr. McCoy, your witness.

JACK
Argyle, do you see the man who entered that vehicle in this courtroom today?

ARGYLE
Yes.

JACK
Would you please identify him for the court?

Argyle points to Theo.

Theo bolts to his feet.

THEO
You sonofabitch!  (to Judge) This is obviously a case of black on black hate by a self hating negro.  (to Argyle) I’m gonna kill you nigga!

JUDGE
Bailiff, please restrain the defendant!

The Bailiff nods and moves to Theo. 

JACK
Let the record reflect that Argyle identified the defendant -

As the Bailiff is about to apply the cuffs, Theo grabs his gun, takes him hostage and aims at Argyle.

The world moves in slow motion…

Theo aims carefully.  McClane covers Holly. 

SFX: TWO GUNSHOTS

The crowd screams.

Argyle checks himself for bullet holes - he’s fine. 

From the back of the room, SGT. AL POWELL holds a smoking gun, steadily aimed.

Theo feels his stomache.  His fingers have blood.  He collapses.

The crowd is silent, in shock. 

Finally -

ARGYLE
(a la Theo in DIE HARD) He shoots and he scores!

McCLANE
(re: Powell) Someone give that man a twinkie!

The crowd cheers.

JUDGE
Case dismissed.

JOHNNY
Objection!  If the defendant don’t live, you must forgive.

JUDGE
Guilty.

JOHNNY
Damn it!

CUT TO BLACK.